Psychological Energy Conservation

Being single has its advantages. I never realized how much energy I was expending on compromising and trying to make things work. It's lonely at times but much more relaxing. So much so that I think I'm going to give up all of my high maintenance relationships. Maybe it will help me cut down on my crash and burn days. 

In fact, I'm thinking about promoting a psychological energy conservation campaign modeled after Go Green. Instead of Reduce, Reuse, Recycle, my slogan is Refrain, Reframe, Reevaluate. Since my tag line is less intuitive, let me elaborate.

1.  Refrain.  I'm going to do a better job of setting boundaries. Before, if someone asked me to do something, I felt like I had to do it if I was capable of doing so. Whether I wanted to or not was irrelevant. Or whether it was in my best interest to do so. But you know what? I can just say no. No, I'm not available at that time. No, I don't want to go to that wedding. No, I don't have room for you on my team.

I can also resist the urge to help people when helping them means hurting myself. My rationale in the past has been that I can take it, so it's OK. I can lose sleep. I can get my heart broken. I can sacrifice my time. But it's not OK. I always tell clients that you have to put yourself first, because you can't rely on other people to do so, even if they love you. If its a choice between you and someone else, pick you. So I'm picking me.

2.  Reframe.  I waste a lot of time beating myself up for things I can't control. Like being angry, or anxious, or exhausted. So I'm trying to reframe my feelings in a way that helps me to be more accepting of them. 

Lately, when my inner critic gives me a hard time for obsessing, I stand up for myself. Of course I'm obsessing! That's my thing. That's what I do. Why wouldn't I be doing it right now? That shuts him up. And it actually helps me to stop obsessing. 

And I've come up with another part to help me be more forgiving of myself for my anger. I think of my anger as a bouncer who is trying to keep people who have hurt me from getting back into the club. Because I'm standing at the door saying, of course you can come in! Make yourself comfortable. Can I get you anything? The bouncer gets mad at me when I do this, and who can blame him, really. Someone needs to be strong enough to kick these people out.

3.  Reevaluate.  I need to do an energy assessment after I crash and burn, rather than assume it happened because I'm a crazy, weak, bad person. If I choose to blog during lunch instead of take a nap and catch up on sleep, I might be tired later in the week.  Same thing with staying up until 2 a.m. Or choosing to captain 2 teams at the same time. Or playing 5 times a week. I can do it, but I have to be ready to pay the consequences later.

I can become more aware of what I need, rather than judge myself for what I think I should need, if I were a normal person. I can allow myself to do what works best for me. I'm the most productive after 7 p.m., so that's when I'm going to get my chores done. I'd rather work nonstop for 2 hours than leisurely spend the day working. And my favorite time of day is between 11 p.m. and 2 a.m., so I'm going to let myself enjoy those hours, even if it means that I'll sleep until noon the next day.

I'm thinking this campaign could really catch on. Think how much more energy we would all have for the things that are important to us if we used it more wisely. Heck, I might even win the Nobel Prize like Al Gore.

Losing Control

I am seeing a couple of clients whose lives revolve around not losing control of their emotions. They both have a parent who is very out of control--addictions, emotional outbursts, marginally functional--the kind of people who seem beyond hope. "Black hole people," as my client calls them. These clients fear that if they let their emotions out, they will get lost in them like their parents.

This is a common fear. Most people think that having feelings makes you needy. Weak. Crazy. It's better to do whatever you can to avoid feelings altogether. Ironically, it is the things that people do to control their feelings that brings them to therapy.

Eating disorders are a good example of this. Every client says that their eating disorder began as a way to have control. They can't control any other aspect of their lives, but they can control what goes into and comes out of their bodies. Stuff down their feelings with food. Numb themselves by restricting and exercising. Get rid of feelings by purging.

At some point they lose control over this strategy. They think about food, exercise, bodies, and weight all day long, every day. They eat in isolation. They lose friends because they are constantly lying and hiding. When it gets really bad, a dean forces them to come to the counseling center. But no one can help them until they are willing to let go. Until they are willing to feel, to be vulnerable.

We all have ways that we try to control our emotions. Mine is to help other people. I don't have problems. I don't need anyone. I've got all the answers; I don't need help.

A client recently asked if I had any flaws. I told her that I have all kinds of flaws. She seemed relieved. I almost told her about my blog--but I'm not ready to go that far.

So what do we do with all of these feelings if we don't suppress them, deny them, or push them away? How do we keep from falling into the black hole?

One of my favorite movies is "The Matrix." By the end of the movie, Neo realizes that all of his fears are an illusion. He has to die first to realize this, but once he is outside of the matrix, his fears no longer control him. Feelings are the same way. Your feelings are a part of you, and you are larger than any of your parts.

Sometimes you have to let go before you can discover that you have control.

Friendship, Part 2

Warriors in Training

When I was in grad school, I didn't have many visitors because it was a long drive and there was not a lot to do in the middle of Ohio.  So I saw my family and friends infrequently, and every time I said good-bye I felt this overwhelming sadness--and not just because I wouldn't see them for a long time.  I was also sad because when I was with them, I was completely myself, and I rarely felt free to be myself. 

Part of the problem was that the feeling of being different followed me well into my adult years.  I wasn't like the other grad students.  I watched reruns of The Flintstones and Gillian's Island rather than keeping up with what Koresh was doing in Waco.   I wasn't spending 70-80 hours a week on grad school stuff.  I didn't listen to the right music, didn't hang out at the cool coffee places. 

I moved around a lot during that time, too.  While I was with my first husband, we moved almost every year because he was never happy where we were--which turned out to be more about him than our location.  Still, I didn't mind the excuse to not get too close to anyone.

When I finally moved back to Virginia and became a part of the tennis community here, I was a little freaked out.  There was no way I could avoid being a part of the gossip, what with my failed marriages and all.  Plus, I only dated tennis players, so everyone knew who they were.  I had no place to hide; giving up tennis was not an option.  I had to let people know what I was really like.

Of all the gifts that tennis has given me, my tennis family is the best one of all.  These are the only other people who I can be myself around without obsessing afterwards about what I said or did.  They have seen me throw up on the court.  They've been there when I've gotten kicked out of restaurants for being too loud.  They don't judge me for always being hungry and constantly having to pee.  They don't expect me to make anything for potluck dinners because they know I can't cook.  (But I do bring the Karaoke and board games.)  They even indulge my grandiosity by calling me the Queen.

Often the feedback I get about my blog is about how honest I am.  In an I wouldn't do it, but good for you! kind of way.  I'm tired of hiding.  I spent the first half of my life trying to be like everyone else.  I want to spend the second half being myself.

Winter

Today the temperature is supposed to be in the 50's, and many people are happy about this.  A lot of people don't like winter--particularly this winter, since it's been unseasonably cold.  But I don't mind it. 

I'm not that good at small talk, so it's nice to have something to say if I'm forced to talk to someone I don't know that well.  I know this is true for a lot of those winter haters, too, even if they don't admit it.  And I've worn all the sweaters that I bought while I lived in Ohio and Pennsylvania, so I've had more wardrobe options.

Winter is usually a time when people feel more depressed because of the cold and lack of sunlight.  Even though I was depressed in December, I've been surprisingly cheerful since the beginning of the year.  I really like living alone.  I like sleeping alone.  So much so that I wonder if I will ever invite someone over again.  I like knitting, making jewelry, watching sports, or writing a blog post without distractions. 

Adapting to changes in the weather is a good example of how we can get used to just about anything.  Before the first cold spell, I thought I was going to freeze to death when the temperature dropped to 24 degrees.  Now it takes single digits before I think it's unbearably cold.  The other day one of my friends commented on how last week, when we had a day in the 40's, it felt so warm she could have played tennis outside. 

The same is true about living alone.  When you live with someone, they may annoy you, but it seems like it would be worse if you had to come home to an empty house every day.  That's what I said not too long ago in my post on solitude.  And when you're used to living alone, you think it would be unbearable to have to deal with all the annoying things about another person, which is how I feel now.  But I'm sure if I started dating again, I'd get used to having someone in my space and it would seem worth it.  Hopefully.

In therapy, I often use the weather as a metaphor for feelings.  I tell them to observe what they're feeling at any particular moment, like Weather on the 8's.  Sadness with a chance of happiness later in the late afternoon.  Fifty percent chance of an anger outburst tomorrow.   Maybe we don't like the weather when it's 7 degrees outside, but it will change eventually.  Maybe even later that day. 

Ordinarily this is not the way we think about feelings.  We dread when the other shoe will drop and our good mood will be ripped away from us unceremoniously.  But when we're in a bad mood, we fear that we will be stuck in depression or anxiety for the rest of our lives.  The reality is, you can count on your mood changing, positive or negative, just like the weather.

We can also look at the weather in a more impersonal manner.  We don't blame ourselves if the weather is cold; we didn't do anything wrong.  And we don't really have to understand the reason why it is unseasonably cold.  I don't particularly care about understanding the polar vortex.  But if we feel sad for no reason and we can't make it go away, we must be weak.  Irrational.  Crazy.

The other message I give to clients is that even when we feel sad or anxious, there is still something positive about that moment.  And I don't mean this in a think happy thoughts kind of way.  When I feel depressed and can't motivate myself to do anything, I have more compassion when a client says they spent the whole weekend in bed, feeling crappy about themselves.  I have a better understanding of how much pain they are in.  And it helps me to be a better therapist.

There is beauty in everything, even in the things we don't like, but sometimes we have to look for it. 



Photo Courtesy of Allison Szuba

As Seen on TV

In my post on midlife, I talked about how I formed my plan for coping with aging by watching TV commercials.  Sadly, I also used TV ads as a guide for how to be normal.

I have always been rule-abiding.  Hence, the good grades, the fear of going to hell, the obsessing about following guidelines for sleep and stress management.  And because I grew up in a small town in the middle of nowhere, I was sensitive to the fact that my Filipino family did things differently from other people.  To children, different means bad, and I didn't want to be bad. 

Remember those Aqua-Fresh commercials, with the stripes for extra cleaning action and breath freshening?  I made my mom buy that toothpaste.  And I tried to swirl it on my toothbrush exactly like they did in the commercials.  My mom scolded me for using too much toothpaste. 

Now that I think about it, this was probably a ploy to get you to use more toothpaste so that you would run out sooner.

My first husband--the one who referred to himself as a poor, half-breed, bastard--was also sensitive to being different.  He, too, was influenced by the Aqua-Fresh commercials and also tried to create the swirl that used too much toothpaste.  This is sufficient evidence to convince me of the detrimental psychological effects that TV commercials can have on children.

You would think that knowledge of these detrimental effects would make me immune to their ploys.  But no.  I still owned the Ab Crunch.  I still use Oil of Olay.  I hear that Crest is coming out with a chocolate-flavored toothpaste.  At least I'm not falling for that one.

Often the makers of these products justify their ads by saying that they're just giving consumers what they want.  No one wants to see fat, ugly, old people.  Those images don't sell products!  Since I did research on body image, I can say with some authority that advertising may not have created our insecurities, but they definitely exacerbate them.

And there really isn't a good solution to this problem.  Avoiding advertising is like avoiding oxygen; ads are ubiquitous.  The best I have been able to do is to limit how much advertising I expose myself to.  I no longer buy beauty magazines.  I primarily watch TV for sports and the news.  I don't pay much attention to celebrities.

As a result, I didn't know who Honey Boo Boo and Kim Kardashian were for the longest time, but media illiteracy is a small price to pay for self-acceptance.

In Need

I don't like the word needy. I much prefer the word crazy to needy.  Crazy can have many meanings, and not all of them are negative.  Sometimes crazy can be a compliment.  At least that's how I interpret it when I'm feeling good about myself.  Neediness, on the other hand, is never a compliment.

I admit I am sensitive to the word because I have been accused of being too needy, too demanding.  I have tried to correct for this, but I don't know how to distinguish my unreasonable demands from my needs. 

I've tried to deal with it by giving my partner the benefit of the doubt.  If he couldn't give me what I needed, then perhaps it was a demand that I mistook for a need.  How important is meaningful conversation anyway, really?  How much contact is actually necessary for the survival of the relationship? 

This approach hasn't gotten me very far.  I seem to have overshot my mark.  My therapist tells me that I cannot disavow my needs in order to make my relationships work.  Sounds good to me.  But how do you separate the needs that are necessary for survival from the ones that make people accuse you of being needy? 

Let's say that you came across a boy who you met in the woods while hiking one day, like the wild boy of Aveyron.  You feel bad for him so you invite him over for dinner.  But he's really hungry, so he eats all the food in your house and still wants more.  Obviously, you wouldn't blame the kid for this.  You wouldn't accuse him of being too hungry, because it's not his fault he was abandoned in the woods to fend for himself. 

Psychological needs are no different.  Neediness is the product of prolonged emotional starvation.  You may not be able to give the person what they need to feel satisfied, but that's not their fault.  It's not yours, either.

But it feels like it should be someone's fault, doesn't it?  Someone should take the blame!

I prefer to reframe a needy person as someone who is in need.  Perhaps their needs are so great that I can't help them.  That's OK; I don't have to be able to help everyone--although I do still try. 

I am trying to think of myself as someone in need, too.  I am just learning what these needs are, because I've spent my life focusing on other people.  There are a lot of them, and they have gone unfulfilled for a long time.  I'm not blaming anyone for this, but I'm trying not to blame myself, either. 

I'm just trying to make my way out of the woods.

46 Lessons Learned from Blogging

Since the original intent of my blog was to help other people, I thought I'd provide a cheat sheet of the lesson in each post (except for the random ones).  That way, you don't have to go back and read the whole blog if you don't want to.  But hopefully you will!

1.  Night Owl Syndrome:  Prejudice against night owls is a form of discrimination that has been perpetuated in part by Ben Franklin.

2.  Massages:  Massages are not as relaxing when you obsess the entire time about how much they cost.

3.  Knitting and Relationships:  Challenge yourself every now and then, but you don't have to knit a dress.

4.  Positive and Negative Feedback:  It's easier to believe erroneous negative feedback than it is to accept legitimate positive feedback.

5.  Karaoke Pusher:  Singing in front of other people is a good way to let go of fear.

6.  You Know You're Filipino If...:  Things that embarrassed you as a kid will make great anecdotes when you get older.

7.  The Courage to be Vulnerable:  Sharing your vulnerabilities with others makes people feel closer to you.

8.  The Unathletic Athlete:  Even if you were picked last in gym class, you can still grow up to be an athlete.

9.  Tennis Courtships:  Someone needs to come up with a website that can help tennis players find a doubles partner.

10.  The Uses of Prayer:  Sometimes God answers your prayers by giving you opportunities rather than results.

11.  Boundaries:  Being Asian makes setting boundaries even more difficult than it already is.

12.  Massages, Part 2:  Don't drink coffee before a massage--even decaf.

13.  Boundaries, Part 2:  Blogging is a good way to let people know that you don't want to be told that you're fat.

14.  Children:  Play with your inner child every now and then.

15.  Can Love Conquer All?  No, but it's still worth the risk.

16.  Body Image:  Small gains are better than nothing.

17.  Hard Core Fan:  It takes dedication to root for a losing team.

18.  Warriorism:  When things get tough, channel your inner warrior.

19.  Self-Portrait:  You can learn a lot about yourself from doodles.

20.  Solitude:  Sometimes when you think you're alone, you're really not.

21.  Self-Acceptance:  We all have different parts of ourselves, many of whom don't get along.

22.  Meet the Drill Sergeant:  Save your inner drill sergeant for emergencies.

23.  The Inner Critic:  Defy your inner critic every change you get.

24.  Thanksgiving:  Miracles really do happen.

25.  Perfectionism:  Blogging about mistakes can help you accept them.

26.  Stress Management:  Sometimes stress management can be stressful.

27. Self-Care:  Blogging is a good way to put yourself first.

28. Grief:  The best thing we can do for someone who is grieving is to be willing to listen to them talk about their pain.

29.  Yes and No:  Learn to say yes to what you want and no to what you don't want.

30.  Blogging is My New Boyfriend:  You can't fail if you never stop trying.

31.  Friendship:  Don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it.

32.  Empathy:  If you're high in empathy, choose your friends and partners wisely.

33.  Breakups:  If you're relationship is ending, try to leave with love rather than hate.

34.  In Times of War:  Make choices you can live with, regardless of the outcome.

35.  Angels:  If you ask people to send you angels when you're struggling, they will--and it works.

36.  Forgiveness:  For people with a harsh inner critic like me, self-forgiveness is the hardest part.

37.  Gratitude:  Practicing gratitude may not turn your depression into happiness, but do it, anyway.

38.  Love:  Our love may never be perfect, but I think God is OK with that.

39.  Forgetting:  Forgiveness is a process.

40.  Moms:  Moms are often unsung heroes, so thank them every chance you get.

41.  New Year's Resolutions:  Restating your resolutions every year is not a sign of failure; it demonstrates that you are choosing to live intentionally.

42.  In My Head:  I thought I was weird for thinking so much, but it turns out that it means I'm a writer!

43.  Bipolar and Brilliant:  You can be brilliant and mentally ill, but you can also be dumb and refuse to take your medication.

44.  Night Owl Syndrome, Part 2:  It takes practice to let go of unnecessary guilt.

45.  Competitive Latch-Hooking:  Sometimes the sibling that was your mortal enemy in childhood becomes your most loyal blog follower as an adult.

46.  Honesty and Trust:  Surround yourself with honest people; it takes less energy than being paranoid.

Night Owl Syndrome, Part 2

I started this blog with a post about the stress of trying to regulate my sleep cycle.  Particularly since it was the beginning of the year and I had been off for 3 months--plenty of time to revert to my more natural night owl state.

I am in the same predicament this week, except that my sleep cycle is even more out of whack than usual.  In addition to the normal job stress and abrupt transition into having nothing to do at the end of the term, I was also dealing with the fallout from the student death and extended periods of loneliness and isolation.  I fell into a pattern of going to bed at 4 am and waking up at 4 pm, with a few hours of wakefulness in between.  And as usual, I was racked with guilt and self-loathing about this.

My dad and two of my brothers are also night owls.  While my family was together over Christmas, my dad hardly slept at all, and when he did it was well past 2 am.  One of my brothers went to bed around 6 am.  The other brother woke up around 6 pm.  Yet they did not appear to be racked with the same guilt and self-loathing as me. 

Which is the reason why I originally started this blog.  Accepting who I am, including my obsessive tendencies, problems with guilt, and wacky sleep schedule, takes continuous practice.  If I neglect to do it, I fall prey to depression and anxiety.

And writing about how I was feeling during that period definitely helped.  It was cathartic.  It helped me to remember what I tell my clients. It provided me support, positive feedback, and extra angels.  And some of the most depressing posts were among the most popular ones, so I know I'm not alone.

Perhaps I should start recommending blogging as an important component of self-care.  Right up there with sleep, exercise, food, and mindfulness.

Last night I went to bed before 1 am without having to rely on extra Ativan.  And I woke up at 7 am because I had a doctor's appointment.  That's as close to a "normal" sleep cycle as it gets for me.  So going back to work has been a good thing.  Still,  if I didn't have to go back this week, I wouldn't have. 

Fortunately, sometimes you are forced to do things that are good for you, whether you want to or not.  

In My Head

So remember how I was talking about the movie The Secret Life of Walter Mitty?  I went to see it because I always liked the short story when I read it in high school.  I could relate to someone who lived most of his life in his head.

All my life people have told me that I think too much.  I thought that as I advanced in my education this would change.  It didn't.  My classmates in grad school thought the same thing.  My colleagues tell me the same thing.  Not as a criticism--just that they're surprised that I have so much time to think.

The reason why I can't fall asleep is because I can't turn off my brain.  I started that New Year's post at 4 a.m., despite my best efforts to talk myself into waiting until I woke up.  That I could get up early like a normal person, which would have been a few hours from then, so I wouldn't even have to wait that long.  But no.  My brain wanted to write the post right that minute.  I was pissed off at it, but what can I do?  My brain has a mind of it's own.

As soon as I wake up in the morning I want to talk to someone.  That's one of the hardest things about being alone.  It's not like you can just call your friends as soon as you wake up and say, hey stop what you're doing.  I want to tell you about this weird dream I had last night.  Granted, it would be in the afternoon, but still.  They have spouses and children and jobs.  They don't have time to listen to my dreams and random associations.

Often when I'm walking around the mall or the grocery store or even just turning a corner, I run into someone because I'm oblivious of my surroundings.  I actually have to remind myself that someone might be on the other side of the door so that I don't freak out.

Remember that whole Waco siege that went on for 2 months back in 1993?  I was in grad school at the time and I had no idea it was happening because I spent my free time watching reruns of the Flintstones and Gilligan's Island.  After the attack my classmates were talking about it and I was like, what's going on in Waco?  They were appalled and I was humiliated.

So I force myself to watch the news occasionally so if something happens like a typhoon hits the Philippines or the government shuts down, I'll know what people are talking about.

But you know what?  Blogging is actually a really good thing for people who think too much.  Even if I have to wake up and pee in the middle of the night and decide to check my stats, that's kind of crazy, but you sort of have to be obsessive about your blog if you want it to succeed.  And writers are always coming up with subject matter at random times because they're constantly thinking about writing.

So that's why I'm writing this blog so early in the morning.  Now maybe my brain will let me go back to sleep.

I think this doodle kind of looks like a brain.

Self-Acceptance

Today I was looking for blogs on self-acceptance that are similar to mine, and there really aren't any.  Interestingly, most self-acceptance blogs specifically deal with acceptance of your body.  Apparently that's the main thing people have trouble with.  I guess I'm in the right business. 

Anyway, I realized that the phrase self-acceptance only appears once in my entire blog, and that's in the little blurb on the top of the first page, so I figured I better correct that.  This probably should have been the first post, but oh well.  Better late than never.

I believe that, no matter how well-adjusted someone is, everyone has a part of them that tries to make them feel bad about themselves.  Call this part what you want--your inner demon, your inner critic, your superego--but there's no question that it's there.  And there are lots of other parts of us, too--children, warriors, and rock stars, just to name a few.  And just like in real relationships, sometimes these parts don't get along.

We are often at war with ourselves: there are parts of us that we do everything in our power to get rid of and hide from the rest of the world.  That's why people want and fear therapy at the same time.  On the one hand, we think, hey wouldn't it be great if I told someone my deep, dark secrets and she said I wasn't crazy?  But at the same time we think, but what if she does think I'm crazy? That would be terrible.  That's why it's always a courageous thing when someone goes to therapy.

Therapists have the luxury of hiding behind their professional status if they want to.  You don't want to seem too crazy, or no one will want to come see you.  But if you seem too perfect, then it's hard for clients to relate to you.  Although I want to be transparent, I know I err on the side of seeming perfect because it feels safer that way.

But as I get older,  I want to be more honest about who I am and accepting of all my flaws, and I want to do this in a way that inspires other people do the same.  It's always better to show someone how to do something than it is to tell them how to do it, so that's why I started this blog. 

Sometimes it's still terrifying to publish some of these posts, but when someone tells me that they  related to one them, that they think just like I do, then I know I'm doing the right thing.

Since some of you liked my last doodle, I thought I'd post another one for you.

Solitude

I am about to share with you my most shameful flaw so please don't judge me.  And this post isn't that funny.  (Although I always think I'm kind of funny, even when I'm being serious).  But it's the truth, so I have to say it.

I have been in a relationship non-stop since I was 14.  That's 30 years of relationships, and not just to one person.  So no pearls for me. ( That's the 30 year anniversary gift, in case you didn't know.  I just looked it up.)  And sometimes the relationships were slightly overlapping towards the end.  And often they were not very good relationships.  And I knew this at the time, but I stayed in them, anyway.

In my defense, the marriages were both relationships with two very good guys, but that doesn't guarantee that a relationship will work, as I indicated in my previous blog.  But most of the other relationships were not very good.   I stayed in them because 1) I'm drawn to guys who need psychological help and 2) I am terrified of being alone and am in need of psychological help myself.  My attitude was that something was better than nothing.  I didn't have any empirical evidence to support this, but that's how fear is:  it feels true, even when it's not.

So in addition to channeling all of my energy into my long-standing dream of becoming a writer, I have also decided to be alone for the first time. 

A lot of my married friends say, oh I would love to be alone.  I look forward to the times when my husband and kids are not in the house.  I, too, appreciated my alone time when I was in a relationship.  But it's different when you go home and no one will be there, and you don't know if or when someone will ever be there.

It's different when you could fall and hurt your back and not be able to reach your phone and call for help and people might not notice that you haven't been around until you stop showing up to work for a few days.  Then they would have to send someone down to find you because you're not answering your phone.  That's not the same thing as having a break from your husband and kids at all.

Last night I tried to change one of the flood lights in my bedroom, but I couldn't reach it.  I tried to use that thingy that allows you to reach light bulbs that are really high up but the floodlight was too big.  I probably wouldn't have been able to get the thingy to work, anyway.  I considered getting out the ladder but that would definitely result in bodily injury and/or death.  I don't want to call one of my guy friends and ask them to come over and change one light bulb, so I'll probably have to wait until several bulbs burn out and exist in semi-darkness in the meantime.

Don't get me wrong--I know that in the grand scheme of things, I'm a very lucky person.  I have a loving family and a great group of friends, I can support myself and I love my job, I have a nice place, and I am hopeful that at some point another relationship opportunity will present itself.  Still, there's no amount of self-talk that can change the fact that sometimes it sucks to be alone.

I'm a big proponent of learning how to sit with negative feelings.  This is what I tell my clients all the time.  I'm often amazed that they start doing it because I tell them to.  Sometimes they're better at it than I am.  I'm amazed that I can give them the courage to break up with their boyfriend or girlfriend, even though they were terrified of doing so.  At those times I think, why is it that I can help them do it but not myself?  It doesn't work to be your own therapist, apparently.

But now I'm ready.  I'm going to face sadness and loneliness and fear if it kills me.  I am going to find out whether or not it's true that it's better to be in a bad relationship than none at all.  Obviously it's not true, but like I said, fear is not always logical. 

And it's going OK so far.  Sometimes it does suck, but it's not as bad as I thought it would be.  Because when I was in a bad relationship, I still felt sad and lonely and afraid, but I also beat myself up for staying in a relationship just because I was afraid of being alone.  It's much better without that last part.

The thing I miss the most is having someone to talk to--someone to share how my day went, to talk about the book I'm reading, or to share any deep and meaningful revelations I've had.  But now that I have this blog, I have all of you to listen to me.  And that helps a lot. 

And you know what else?  My neighbor called me this morning to check on me because she hadn't seen me in awhile and wanted to make sure I was OK.  I was afraid she was going to tell me she hit my car or accidentally opened my mail again or try to get me to come to church with her, because those are reasons she has called in the past.  But no.  She was checking on me.

I take that as a sign that God is looking out for me.

I read this blog that said that if you want to get people to read your blog you should have photos to keep it interesting and not to use other people's work.  I'm not sure how you take a picture of solitude, so I thought I would post one of my doodles from last night.  Please don't judge my drawing, either.

Children

One of the few perks of being middle-aged is that people stop pressuring you to have kids.  I still get the occasional, "you never know: my mom had me when I was 45," but for the most part people have stopped asking.  Not being married helps, too.

Along with the divorces, not having kids is another thing makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong with my life.  You're supposed to have kids--the Bible says so.  And if you're a scientist, then evolutionary theory says so.  In my defense, I did try.  Or at least I didn't try to prevent pregnancy.  But I am relieved that I didn't get pregnant.

It's not that I don't like kids.  I love kids.  I would rather play with the kids at a party than have to interact with the adults.  And I'm really good at playing with them, too.  I get all into it.  It's not hard, since a part of me is really still a child.  I even have a name for my inner child; I call her Sophie.  She is part of the internal family I mentioned in one of my first blogs.

I know some of you may be thinking I'm crazy right now, but the truth is we all have parts of us that almost seem like separate people, and they don't all see eye-to-eye.  That's why we can argue with ourselves about why we've stayed in this terrible relationship for so long or why we ate that entire bag of Oreos.  I am sure you can think of at least one time when you were absolutely dumbfounded about why you made such a terrible decision.  And you probably cursed yourself for doing so, too.

Anyway, Sophie gets along really well with my niece, who is 7.  In fact, just this weekend my niece wanted to pretend that we were sisters.   However, the adult in me finds this level of intensive play exhausting, and I can see why parents go to bed so early.  Perhaps the reason why I am a night owl is because I don't have children.

Even though this is not where I thought I would be at 44, for the most part I am OK with it.  Sophie got to carve a pumpkin with two of my other nieces when I went to BSG, and I got to introduce my youngest niece to football this past weekend.  And she had a great time, even though we lost.

In fact, this post is dedicated to her because she asked me to write about her.

You Know You're Filipino if...

 

When I was younger, I was embarrassed by all of the things that my family did because we were Filipino; other kids were quick to point out that these things were not "normal." 

For example, most of my friends took baths.  Based on TV commercials, adults took showers.  In my family, we filled a small basin of water and took a "bath" from that.  Once I became aware of this discrepancy, I told my mom I wanted to take baths.  The conversation would go something like this:

Me:  I want to start taking baths.  All my friends are doing it.

Mom:  No.  That's a waste of water.

Me:  But you want me to fill the sink with water when I do dishes instead of letting the water run.  Isn't that like giving the dishes a bath?

Mom:  No.

Me:  What about showers? 

Mom:  No.  Still too much water.

Then one day I realized that she couldn't stop me from taking a shower so I started doing it anyway.

There were a lot of other things that my family did that made me feel different from my friends.  Little did I know, other Filipino families were doing the exact same things; it wasn't abnormal at all! 

These days I take pride in these shared experiences.  I'm sure my Filipino friends and family could come up with more items, but this is what came to mind just off the top of my head:

• multiple variations of the Last Supper, Virgin Mary, Crucifix, Rosary, and Nativity Scene all over the house
• kitchens with a gigantic spoon and fork for decor
• food eaten with your fingers or a normal-sized spoon and fork, but no knife
• rice, garlic, soy sauce, and fish sauce (patis) for every meal
• fish with body intact, including head
• roasted pig (lechon) with body intact, including head 
• a Karaoke machine
• gigantic straw mats big enough for an entire family to sleep on
• floor space large enough for line dancing
• lots of uncles and aunts that you aren't actually related to

Recently I met up with one of my Filipino friends for our annual get-together and she said that she was looking for a gigantic spoon and fork for her kitchen.  What a great idea!  Instead of comfort food, it's sort of like comfort decor. 

Maybe I can ask my parents to give me a set for Christmas.

Positive and Negative Feedback

Have you ever noticed that when someone says something negative about you it carries much more weight than when someone says something positive about you? 

One psychological theory for why this happens is that when something negative happens this is a signal that we need to change something:  be more attentive to our partner, do a better job at work, pick the spinach out of our teeth.  When someone says something positive, everything is status quo and we just go about our business.

In fact, because negativity weighs more than positivity, the magic ratio for happiness is 3 to 1:  three positive occurrences for every negative occurrence.  So whenever someone says something mean to you, find 3 people who like you and ask them to say something nice about you.

For me personally, three positive comments are not sufficient to undo the self-criticism that occurs after one negative comment.  I need a ratio of something like 50:1, so brutal is that voice in my head that tells me that I suck.

When I was teaching online, I would have 50 students in individual tutorials, which is a lot of work, especially on top of my very stressful full-time job.  Most students would give me positive feedback.

Here's how I would treat their feedback as I went through my emails:  I really enjoyed your class!  I signed up for another one next term. (Delete)  I loved the  paper assignments.  I felt like I learned a lot about myself. (Delete)  I really loved the textbook.  I'm going to keep it rather than sell it back. (Delete)

Here's what would happen when I got negative feedback:  I thought the exams were hard and that you did not give me enough feedback on how to improve my grade.  I'm going to complain about you to my advisor right now.  (Reread 10 times.  Did I do something wrong?  I told her the same thing I tell every student after an exam.  Maybe I just suck as a teacher.  Maybe they're going to get mad at me and fire me.  Maybe this student is just crazy.  No, it must be my fault.) 

And I would obsess about this for, well the rest of my life, really.  I remember every mistake I've ever made, even the ones that happened when I was 5 (like stealing that pack of gum from K-Mart).  For obsessive people, there is no statute of limitations.  You can be charged at any time for real or imagined crimes.

But I have learned some strategies that help me balance the scale between positivity and negativity. 

• Whenever I remember a negative comment from a student years ago and start thinking about what a terrible teacher I was, I remind myself that the other 49 students said that they enjoyed the class. 
• When I start beating myself up because I'm obsessing over a negative comment that a student made years ago, I tell myself that I'm not crazy;  I just have a really good memory, and this is one of the downsides of remembering everything.
• When I get positive feedback I read it over and over again, tell myself to take it in and give myself permission to believe it's true.  I tell someone about it to make the feeling last.
• When all else fails, I take an Ativan because my psychiatrist said that's what I should do.

Today I was looking through the registration form for what I thought was a new client, and there is a section where we ask if they've been in therapy before and if they found it helpful.  She wrote that she had seen me in therapy previously for several months and found it extremely helpful, that she hasn't been able to find a therapist who she trusts since then.

I have read the comment several times so far and am trying to allow myself to believe that I am, in fact, a good therapist.  In this moment, it's working.

Divorces

I was married once.  Ok, twice.  Twice unsuccessfully.  And I have to say, it kind of hurts your feelings to have 2 divorces. One is ok.  Normal, even.  Two starts to look bad. That's why I have decided never to get married again. I have not gone through the legal steps to officially get divorced.  That way if I ever have the crazy notion that I want to get married, I'll have to do a lot of stuff first.

Admittedly, there are other reasons I haven't officially gotten divorced.  I don't think that it's up to the court to decide when my marriage has ended.  I felt like it ended when I bought my own place.  And at that point we no longer shared any property or bank accounts. But I do still have some of my stuff at his house because my place is so small.  I guess if someone ever moves in with him I'll have to rent storage or something.  But I don't have to obsess about that today.  Although I was about to.

Also, it costs money to get divorced, and despite being a professional, I am just making it month to month.  I suspect I must be doing something wrong since the average salary for an entire family is less than what I make, but that is for another post. If we got divorced I would have to pay for it all because he didn't want to get divorced. 

This last reason is irrational, but whatever. People do all kinds of irrational things. Even psychologists. Even though I already tell people I have two divorces, it's different in my mind to actually have two separate slips of paper saying you're divorced. They're not even full sheets of paper. And it's not anything important looking like a certificate. Like when Homer Simpson got a certificate and a stamp that said Not Insane after he was released from the mental hospital. I love that episode!  Maybe they should give you something like that when you get divorced so you know it's important.

In fact, the slip of paper looked so unimportant that the first time I got divorced I threw the thing away. But then when I was getting married again I found out that you actually need that little slip of paper, so then I had to get a copy of it.  Which I did keep this time.  Although I have no idea where it is at the moment.  But that's OK, because I'm not getting married again.

Despite my claims that this slip of paper is not important, I don't want two of them on my record.  It's like having two strikes against you.  Two reminders that you have not been able to successfully maintain a marriage.  And who needs that?

However, if my unofficial ex were ever to ask for a divorce because he wants to get married, I would do so. That way he would have to pay for half of it.

Night Owl Syndrome

I spend a lot of my waking hours thinking about sleep.  I have to be vigilant about getting to bed at a reasonable hour, which for me is before 1 am.  This is difficult because I am a night owl, and I have to make myself go to sleep during the part of the day that I most enjoy just because the world revolves around the early bird's schedule.  Plus people judge me for staying up late and waking up late.  I consider this a form of prejudice and discrimination that Ben Franklin is at least partly to blame.

I read recently that night owls are more prone to feeling depressed because they are forced to conform to an unnatural sleep cycle.  I would have to agree because four out of six of the people in my family are night owls and we all have mood disorders.  To make matters worse, people with mood disorders are sensitive to disruptions in sleep because they can trigger a depressive episode. 

It's a lot of work trying to make myself sleep early.  I have to take at least 1 mg of Ativan every night, sometimes 2.  I am also prone to anxiety, and at night I'm rushing around trying to do all these things to minimize my stress for the next day like take a shower, dry my hair, pack my lunch, set the coffee maker, pick out my clothes, pack my tennis stuff, stretch, etc. 

The problem is that doing all of this stuff to reduce my stress is also stressful, so I end up being wired before going to bed.  Kind of like when you have an exam and you've spent all night studying and by the time you go to bed formulas and vocabulary words and theories are still running through your head. 

So then I have to do all of this stuff to try to exhaust my brain--usually some kind of mind game.  I used to do Minesweeper, but I get so pissed off when I make a mistake that I have to keep playing until I win, or at least have to guess 50/50 on the last square, which means I end up staying up later than I intended.  Lately I've been doing the expert level of Sudoku because it's still challenging and doesn't take as long and you can make 3 mistakes and still win. 

But it's hard to get myself to stop playing even after I win.  I am really competitive, and I have this need to train myself  to concentrate even though I'm exhausted.  Like it's some kind of military mind exercise or something.  I have to talk to that competitive part like it's a child and say something like, OK we agreed that you can play until 12:30 so you have to put the game away now.  I'll tell you more about my internal family in another post.

I also need more than the average amount of sleep--more like 9 or 10 hours--which makes getting enough sleep a challenge.  Usually I can squeeze in a cat nap in at lunch, and sometimes I can get in another hour or so if I have an opening in my schedule. 

But then I feel guilty because I'm sleeping at work.  And even when I have the time to sleep late, wake up late, and take a nap and have permission to take the Ativan as needed I still feel guilty because I feel like I'm not living life correctly or something.  I'm not doing what normal people do.

My job has really picked up in the last few weeks, and it's only going to get busier from here, so I have no choice but to try to be an early bird, at least during the week.  So far so good, though. Even though I had two tennis matches last night, I was in bed by 12:30.  And because I didn't have a 9 or 10 am appointment, I was able to sleep until 9.  And I don't feel guilty about it.  So I'm feeling pretty good at the moment.

Dreaming Heart Photography (dreamingheart.com)