Have I mentioned that I have problems letting things go?
That's why I obsess so much. And why I stick with knitting projects that make my life miserable. And why I try to make relationships work at all costs. And why I have a hard time forgiving myself.
It's also why I can hold on to anger for so long. I know some people like anger because it's more empowering than feeling hurt, but I hate it. It's downright painful. If I could will myself to let go of anger--or any emotion, for that matter--I would. And even though I know better, I still get mad at myself for not being able to stop being angry.
Recently I had a friend tell me that when you get older you become more forgiving of yourself. That might be true for normal people, but I'm no so sure it's true for me. Because I've heard women say the same thing about being in their 40's, and I'm pretty sure I'm just as self-critical and guilt-ridden as I was in my 20's and 30's.
I am having a hard time letting go of my anger about my last relationship, even though I'm glad that it's over. I have made a concerted effort to turn to my friends and share how I feel, but in all honesty, sometimes it just makes me angry at them.
Most people aren't very good at saying helpful things. Which is why I wrote the post on good intentions. I'm trying not to take it personally. Not everyone can be a good listener. I would be out of a job if everyone were. But it's still frustrating to try to talk to someone about how angry I am, only to feel worse afterwards.
I've tried other things, too. I've prayed. I've meditated. I even apologized for being angry. Which doesn't make any sense, really, but I was desperate for some shift in the intensity of my anger.
Today I tried 3 new things. First, I gave myself permission to be angry for a day. Which had the unintended effect of making my anger seem forced and difficult to sustain. Sort of like the whole reverse psychology thing--although psychologists don't actually call it that.
I also looked at a journal entry from right before the breakup. It reminded me that there were a lot of things that I tried to be OK with because I thought my anger and sadness and anxiety were a product of my neediness. Or a result of being too demanding. Or were figments of my imagination.
Now I realize that I felt those things for a reason. I'm mad at him for letting me believe that my feelings were my fault. And I'm mad at myself for not trusting my feelings. But reading that journal entry reminded me that my feelings are always legitimate--even if they don't make sense at the time. So I have renewed my commitment to honoring my feelings.
The last thing I did was to give myself permission to blog about my anger. I have thought about doing it for some time now but decided against it until today because I thought it would be too negative. Even though I write a lot about negative things, I try to end on a positive note. I didn't think there could be a positive note to end on in a post about unrelenting anger.
But then I remembered that the point of my blog isn't to be positive. The point of my blog is to be honest. And my anger is just as much a part of me as anything else.
And you know what? I actually do feel better...for the moment. So blogging about it helped after all.
I don't really have any art work that reflects anger so I thought I would feature some self-promotional art work instead.